Time flies like it's in a hurry
Saturday, July 27, 2013 | 11:00 AM |
I mean it truly when I say time is in a hurry. In a blink of eyes between hardships and enjoyment, another 3 months passed since my last update. Feels like I have done a lot but at the same time done nothing and let my life be wasted. I can't even remember what I did the past 2 months. Sure, I remember I have only one grandma left now...
Beloved grandpa finally gave up to his illness. He had such a strong willpower to live on. No one expected that to be so sudden. I mean sure, we all had our "heart preparation" these few months back, started since he couldn't recognize anyone anymore other than my grandma, and he couldn't eat more than a few mouthful of porridge every meal time. He was getting skinnier and skinnier to the point that I nearly couldn't see his shape under the blanket already. He was turning better in time and actually acknowledged us. He was suppose to be discharged the day he passed on. Singapore has its worst haze situation this year. It was not only cause hassle to us, people with asthma, but even healthy citizens probably felt its effect. PSI over 400, not kidding. So how of all, my weak grandpa could take it? Patients in the hospital fell ill, with fever. The haze actually went down a bit but raise up like nobody's business again. So... my grandpa kinda can't take it anymore and passed on.
I don't know how long I cried, or how long others cried. It was exceptionally heartbreaking to see my grandma crying beside his bed. Almost 60 years together, through WWII, through all the hardships of bringing up 4 children and all the grandchildren. They quarreled and argued a lot even long before I was born. They don't sleep in the same bed, but they still love each other, more than words could describe. 60 years wasn't a short time, its in fact almost your whole life. I remember so clearly how my grandma took care of his needs, when he couldn't swallow and she has to try all she can to make sure he does. Coaxing him, feeding him bits of food she mashed up more than the hospital could prepare. Even when I'm typing this now, my tears won't stop. Sorry if this gets emotional. (Not that anyone read it except for me years later)
She's probably so alone now... The funeral came and go, she didn't even sleep much... I can't do anything but just stay near her. I was never one good for words in consoling someone or saying something acceptable. Silence was the best thing I could offer. So yeah, this year wasn't the best year even thou its my Key year. Things hasn't been going smooth. I've been trying to think on the positive side.
Piggie boy has been shitting weirdly since a few months ago. Can't figure out what is wrong with him. He's acting all good and nothing wrong. Aggressive towards girls as usual, begging for food as usual whenever he sensed someone coming close to his cage. But his shit just let me hates him. I stop feeding him vegetables as I read on internet but well, his shit is still not solid and stinks so badly. It makes himself smell bad too thou I bathed him more often now. I just hope he recovers somehow. I would hate to feed him piggies' babies shit.
Then comes school. Assignments are so tightly arranged one after another this semester and it makes me want to pull my hair out. No joke. Each semester getting more difficult than the previous one and work isn't as smooth sailing exactly. More duties add on and no pay add on. I can't breathe. I admit I'm lazy. The last submission had me almost crying in front of my laptop and just give up. But I can't, never once I have gave up doing last minute work, so I can't even now. So I bit in and just type rubbish. I really wished I could stop working cause my pay isn't the least glamourous. I'm even ashamed to say out when my friends just ask me how much I earn. Can you believe it? And to think, I work in an big organization. But if I don't work, it's not like I can feed myself nor I would like to try finding job and interview everywhere. I hasn't try a proper interview even in the rich history of my working experience. Always entering job due to friends' recommendation. And. I'm afraid of new environment as usual. Still a child I know.
Feeling envious towards friends who still feeds off their parents' money. Not that I would like that. I mean, I know how old I am now. Not like I'm still in secondary school or what. It's normal for "adults" my age to earn their own money and feed themselves. But I'm studying still and doesn't get enough time for myself. Okay. I'm starting to crap.
I talked so much but missed out main points. I highlighted my hair redish-purple. It was SUPPOSED to be purple but well, it didn't came out like that cause I didn't bleach my hair. Just a sidenote to my hair LOL. But really, the purpose of my post was actually to pour out my fangirl stress. I hate that people judge me because I fangirl. Like as if I'm their only fangirl friend. Getting so stressed out because of the stupid etude house pink play party. I really wanted to go but the business only let people who buy their products a chance to win the event. Make sense, but I already spent hundreds of dollars. No chance, I didn't manage to collect all 5 memebers' peel cards and everyone around me starts to judge me because I'm so stressed out and spent so much. Yeah, please judge me hard when I'm already stressed. Such good friends, how did I manage to let them think of me this way? Like as if they think I'm strong enough to take in all their sarcastic comments. Yeah, take it out on me. They all be like "it's just a stupid card". Yeah, I'll say that to your passion and hobbies too. "It's just a stupid costume, it's just a stupid toy, it's just a stupid idol." Feel nice? I just wanted to attend the event like how you all wanted your stuffs.
I didn't ask for them to accept my passion. I only hoped they could stop insulting. Fangirling is the only source of happiness I get from all these shit life gives. I can fantasize, can write my own fanfics, can live in my own world. Suicide thoughts has never been so strong before. But it will be a waste. To just die like this. I know people who are stupid enough to take their own life goes down to hell and suffer. But someday, I mean someday if I do take my own life, I would sure to make people feel guilty for their whole life. And be like, "I hope you have a good life." I guess I can never get over this. Hunts me for life. Accept me for who I'm. Don't try to kill me and modify my personality to whoever you like. I'm not your doll. Stop judging, bitches.
Didn't wanted to post this on main blog but on the other blog.... But I'm lazy to log in the other one. Just let this angst be here. I wish, for better friends who will understand me better yet still care enough not to hurt my feelings with their sharp words. Or wish for more fan-girl friends. I need people who feel me.
Signing off,
miinx3
Beloved grandpa finally gave up to his illness. He had such a strong willpower to live on. No one expected that to be so sudden. I mean sure, we all had our "heart preparation" these few months back, started since he couldn't recognize anyone anymore other than my grandma, and he couldn't eat more than a few mouthful of porridge every meal time. He was getting skinnier and skinnier to the point that I nearly couldn't see his shape under the blanket already. He was turning better in time and actually acknowledged us. He was suppose to be discharged the day he passed on. Singapore has its worst haze situation this year. It was not only cause hassle to us, people with asthma, but even healthy citizens probably felt its effect. PSI over 400, not kidding. So how of all, my weak grandpa could take it? Patients in the hospital fell ill, with fever. The haze actually went down a bit but raise up like nobody's business again. So... my grandpa kinda can't take it anymore and passed on.
I don't know how long I cried, or how long others cried. It was exceptionally heartbreaking to see my grandma crying beside his bed. Almost 60 years together, through WWII, through all the hardships of bringing up 4 children and all the grandchildren. They quarreled and argued a lot even long before I was born. They don't sleep in the same bed, but they still love each other, more than words could describe. 60 years wasn't a short time, its in fact almost your whole life. I remember so clearly how my grandma took care of his needs, when he couldn't swallow and she has to try all she can to make sure he does. Coaxing him, feeding him bits of food she mashed up more than the hospital could prepare. Even when I'm typing this now, my tears won't stop. Sorry if this gets emotional. (Not that anyone read it except for me years later)
She's probably so alone now... The funeral came and go, she didn't even sleep much... I can't do anything but just stay near her. I was never one good for words in consoling someone or saying something acceptable. Silence was the best thing I could offer. So yeah, this year wasn't the best year even thou its my Key year. Things hasn't been going smooth. I've been trying to think on the positive side.
Piggie boy has been shitting weirdly since a few months ago. Can't figure out what is wrong with him. He's acting all good and nothing wrong. Aggressive towards girls as usual, begging for food as usual whenever he sensed someone coming close to his cage. But his shit just let me hates him. I stop feeding him vegetables as I read on internet but well, his shit is still not solid and stinks so badly. It makes himself smell bad too thou I bathed him more often now. I just hope he recovers somehow. I would hate to feed him piggies' babies shit.
Then comes school. Assignments are so tightly arranged one after another this semester and it makes me want to pull my hair out. No joke. Each semester getting more difficult than the previous one and work isn't as smooth sailing exactly. More duties add on and no pay add on. I can't breathe. I admit I'm lazy. The last submission had me almost crying in front of my laptop and just give up. But I can't, never once I have gave up doing last minute work, so I can't even now. So I bit in and just type rubbish. I really wished I could stop working cause my pay isn't the least glamourous. I'm even ashamed to say out when my friends just ask me how much I earn. Can you believe it? And to think, I work in an big organization. But if I don't work, it's not like I can feed myself nor I would like to try finding job and interview everywhere. I hasn't try a proper interview even in the rich history of my working experience. Always entering job due to friends' recommendation. And. I'm afraid of new environment as usual. Still a child I know.
Feeling envious towards friends who still feeds off their parents' money. Not that I would like that. I mean, I know how old I am now. Not like I'm still in secondary school or what. It's normal for "adults" my age to earn their own money and feed themselves. But I'm studying still and doesn't get enough time for myself. Okay. I'm starting to crap.
I talked so much but missed out main points. I highlighted my hair redish-purple. It was SUPPOSED to be purple but well, it didn't came out like that cause I didn't bleach my hair. Just a sidenote to my hair LOL. But really, the purpose of my post was actually to pour out my fangirl stress. I hate that people judge me because I fangirl. Like as if I'm their only fangirl friend. Getting so stressed out because of the stupid etude house pink play party. I really wanted to go but the business only let people who buy their products a chance to win the event. Make sense, but I already spent hundreds of dollars. No chance, I didn't manage to collect all 5 memebers' peel cards and everyone around me starts to judge me because I'm so stressed out and spent so much. Yeah, please judge me hard when I'm already stressed. Such good friends, how did I manage to let them think of me this way? Like as if they think I'm strong enough to take in all their sarcastic comments. Yeah, take it out on me. They all be like "it's just a stupid card". Yeah, I'll say that to your passion and hobbies too. "It's just a stupid costume, it's just a stupid toy, it's just a stupid idol." Feel nice? I just wanted to attend the event like how you all wanted your stuffs.
I didn't ask for them to accept my passion. I only hoped they could stop insulting. Fangirling is the only source of happiness I get from all these shit life gives. I can fantasize, can write my own fanfics, can live in my own world. Suicide thoughts has never been so strong before. But it will be a waste. To just die like this. I know people who are stupid enough to take their own life goes down to hell and suffer. But someday, I mean someday if I do take my own life, I would sure to make people feel guilty for their whole life. And be like, "I hope you have a good life." I guess I can never get over this. Hunts me for life. Accept me for who I'm. Don't try to kill me and modify my personality to whoever you like. I'm not your doll. Stop judging, bitches.
Didn't wanted to post this on main blog but on the other blog.... But I'm lazy to log in the other one. Just let this angst be here. I wish, for better friends who will understand me better yet still care enough not to hurt my feelings with their sharp words. Or wish for more fan-girl friends. I need people who feel me.
Signing off,
miinx3